Recent thoughts on Motherhood.

Remember when the sound of little feet
was the music
We danced to week to week
Brought back the love, we found trust
Vowed we'd never give it up
Remember when
------
Alan Jackson, Remember When

Last week I had a morning where we didn't have anything scheduled on the calendar and nowhere we had to be. It was such a sweet opportunity to take advantage of precious snuggles with my little girls. Curled up on my bed, under the covers, I could see the piles of clean laundry staring back at me as I gazed into our reflection in the mirrors on the opposite wall. In that moment, there was a part of me that was just cringing at the thought of staying in bed. My thoughts started racing, "I should get up and take a shower while the girls are happy and content", "if I dont get up and fold that laundry I wont ever want to do it", "where did I put my phone? maybe someone texted me." The desire to take a shower, fold laundry, and look for my phone aren't bad things, but for once I turned the thoughts off and ignored the piles and focused on the time I had with my girls. It was the most freeing choice I could have made in that moment, almost profound, because I don't make time for those kinds of moments enough and I want to more. 

Motherhood can be an endless list of chores and to do lists and I don't want to ignore the precious little ones who I am doing all these things for. I want to remember the smell of my Edy's cheeks, the way she grabs my face and snuggles up under my chin, the chubbyness of her soft thighs, her grunts and growls, the silkiness of my big girls hair freshly washed hair, how she reminds me throughout the day that she "loves me so much" and their precious squeals when they are together.

Messes are the places life happens. Its where my kid's imaginations grows.  Its where they learn how to share. Its how they enjoy each other. Real life isn't neat and tidy. It's messy and sometimes just raw, with a mixture of emotions. Yet throughout the day I want my house to be perfectly neat and doesn't look lived in. How unreal is that?

I crave order, efficiency, and tidiness. But I'm learning to let that go. Ever so slowly. To embrace my role as mother. To be present in my girls lives. To enjoy what they enjoy. To know them and most importantly be known by them. Things can wait for the sake of this enjoyment: a shower, a pile of laundry, a sink full of dishes, and the list goes on. The years I have with them are short and I want to cherish them. Every day. I'm raising my girls to send them out to make an impact on the world they live in with the gifts The Lord has given them. I want to know their gifts, to encourage them in it, and to give them opportunities (however small they may be at this age) to use them.

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth
empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
hang out the washing and butter the bread,
sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I’ve grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
and out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
but I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren’t her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
for children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

As I read this poem I felt speechless at the end. It's my life in many ways right now. Social media makes life look too idyllic at times, but the reality most days is my living room is strewn with toys, since becoming a Mom I am pretty sure I have forgotten to pay bills on time (something I once prided myself on), my kitchen floor gets deep cleaned maybe twice a year, and piles of laundry cycle out of the basket and never make it to the closet. 

{disclaimer} I write most of this for myself because I want to remember the rawness, but the goodness of these days. And ultimately, here's what I'm not saying: never take a shower, never do laundry, never clean. The reality is there are times where I need to make an effort to get dressed more and wear yoga pants less and visa versa but what I'm trying to find is the grace to walk in the middle and not just grab on to the pendulum and swing the other direction. For me this is a battle worth fighting, I know I wont ever regret it.