for Bobby.

(PC: Peter Bang from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep)

This blog has been quiet and I think the Lord knew the time away was needed. A calm before the storm of sorts. We found out we were expecting a new little baby in November 2013 and found out he was a perfect little boy in March 2014. Just a month later, on April 7, 2014, we found out that he was in the arms of Jesus. He was born just 3 days later, on April 10, 2014, weighing in at a tiny 8.5 ounces, but he is perfect to us and always will be. I was just as excited to meet him, to hold him, and to snuggle him as much as our girls, even though the outcome was different. A mother's love knows no limits and every life, no matter how small, matters. We pray our Bobby's life will be used in mighty ways. That many would see the faithfulness, goodness, love, and kindness of the God we trust in. Our suffering and our loss isn't an accident, there is a plan and a purpose in it, even if we don't know the end of the story.

We buried our boy on April 12, 2014. At his burial my amazing husband paid tribute to our son and I wanted to share it here because it has shined a light into my own personal darkness, it has reminded me of the truth I so desperately needed to hear, and it has helped me remember my boy in the most beautiful way.

"My beautiful wife is my hero. She has been since I have been married to her, especially after watching her deliver both our girls naturally and after watching her become a remarkable momma to them; but she climbed the most difficult of mountains that a loving mother could ever be asked to climb on Wednesday and Thursday. She delivered our son Bobby, who was already in heaven, and there were no cries. Just silence. And then the sound of our tears. She wanted him laid right on her breast where our other babies were first laid. She is and will forever be my hero. Her faith in the God we both know and love has and will continue to change me and compel me for the rest of my life. I love you Janet. You are the most beautiful, amazing, courageous, woman I have ever known.

One of the best smells in the world is the smell of a newborn.  I went outside yesterday and smelled our son. It was perfect to me. Thank you for moments like that God.  Bobby is alive.  perhaps more alive than even I who stands before you?

I thought, while we were waiting for Bobby to be delivered on Wednesday, he wouldnt actually come until Thursday, that he is already in heaven and he already knows more about real life than we do. I thought, when we meet him, that he might wonder at our wonder. I thought we might have to explain to him why we are so clumsy in heaven's air, the only air he has ever known.

Our son Robert Langdon Remsnyder. Bright with glory from the long hill. Thats what his name means.  And that is what he is. Bobby. I think this is what I will say to you when we meet and I have to tell you why heaven is so foreign to us. This will be all mixed up between past,present and future tense so please excuse me.

My son, you never breathed earth's often stuffy air. You never stepped onto earth's cursed ground. You were created for heaven's air. You were formed to walk on heaven's ground. Your breath has never been stifled by pollen or dust. Your lungs have breathed absolute purity. You have breathed the unfiltered breath of Christ. Your precious feet have probably never known stumbling. At least of the kind that we experience on earth when we scrape our knees or stub our toes and cuss at the earth.

Bobby, your earthly eyes never got to see your mothers beautiful face lightened by this world's sun. You never got to hear your father's voice using your earthly ears or to feel our arms around you but that is because Jesus made you to see us with no filter, by the light of God's glory and your ears have been tuned only in the perfect pitch of heaven. You've heard angels sing from your first moments, and most glorious of all, you have heard the voice of our Saviour Jesus Christ, from the time you were formed. It was probably his embrace you first knew, after all, He loves children so much.

You've never miscommunicated or disobeyed. We do that all the time. But you are our glory baby. Jesus formed you in your precious mother's womb and then took you directly home to Him self. It is better for you. Heaven is and ever will be what you know best. I have dreamed, in the past dark hours of this week, that we will wake up there and that maybe you will be the first person we meet. Maybe you will give me coffee that your mother won't mind and maybe you will give her the kiss she has waited a lifetime for, and maybe then you will do us the honor of introducing us to Our King, our Saviour and our Friend, Jesus. Maybe we will be wide eyed while you take us to him, maybe we will seem in complete awe and wonder? Maybe you will wonder at that?  

So, if in meeting you we seem strange and awkward, please give us time. We will have time. I thank God we will have an eternity with you Bobby. I love you, daddy loves you, mommy loves you, we can't wait to be with you."

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I may be back to blog some more in the midst of this storm. To remember our Bobby, to talk of what God is teaching me, to recount these dark days, so I can look back and see the hand of a faithful God who carried us through it all.

Psalm 27:13 "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."