A Dream is A Wish Your Heart Makes

"No matter how your heart is grieving if you keep on believing..." - Cinderella 

Disney speaks to my heart sometimes and it's probably because I love it so much. 

We had a dream. A wish. And a plan. Disney as a family in 2015, with a squishy little boy who could camp out in the stroller or sleep in the Ergo the whole time. I'm super practical and 6 months seemed like the perfect age to take him. I didn't want to go pregnant, I didn't want to go with a newborn, and we wanted to go before Edith turned 3 to save money on park tickets. So we narrowed it down to a week in February/March, I did all my research, picked our top 3 resort hotels, and I started saving towards an ambitious goal to make those dreams a reality. 

Ever since our trip in April 2013 not a day has passed that Audrey has not asked when "are we going back" and prayed many prayers "that daddy would sell a lot of paintings so we could go to Disney world." Some people might think it crazy: huge crowds, long lines, humid heat, and crying kids. For me and our family, Disney is a place with the happiest of memories, where heaven touches earth, and the time we have as a family there is priceless. I get teary eyed during the fireworks show in front of Cinderella's castle and before we lost Bobby, I wasn't a crier. 

I hope that Bobby knows its one of his Mommy's favorite places on earth. I hope Mama Bear (she and I share a similar deep love of all things Disney and the way she raised her kids with that love for the magic is the same vision I have for raising ours) has already taken him on Small world, introduced him to Mickey, and walked down Main Street to the sound of the singing barbershop quartet with Cinderella's castle in view. I hope some day when I get to be with him in heaven I can can experience all those things with him too. 

The closest I've come to a "fix it" (and I know it truly isn't) solution to all this sadness is getting on a plane and flying there as a family. That's how much I love it. It fills a place in my heart that few things can and seeing the sheer wonder in my girls eyes when they step foot in the parks is like nothing else I've experienced with them. It's magical in a way and you can't help but be swept up in the joy of it all.

When we found out about Bobby, those dreams were put off and money that was set aside for our trip went towards making a different kind of place for our Bobby to be laid to rest. God provided for us in huge ways in that, but needless to say, the whole financial aspect for us has felt like another burden was added. The financial cares of medical bills and burying a child are the worst kind of reminders of this reality we live in. At moments it's hard to not feel crippled by the sheer weight of it. 4 weeks to the day, the hospital bill came in the mail and it felt like a bad joke. Thankfully, that bill was covered by the hospital (a whole story for another time as to why). 

Our dreams are put on hold and our seemingly "perfect" plans have come crashing down on every front. Losing Bobby has brought so much sadness, but it's a life that we didn't get to have with him that I grieve for too. Sharing my favorite place with my boy was something I longed to do and I had no doubt he would have loved Disney just as much as his Mommy and sisters.

About 4 weeks ago a package came to our doorstep from one of my dearest friends. Inside were the most perfect little mouse ears and embroidered on the back was his name. There aren't words for a gift like that. Not only did it bless me because he was remembered, it brought tears to my eyes because whenever we go, he will be a part of it. I told Seth I would proudly wear those ears the whole time were there. 

I love Disney and I long to go, but I follow and trust in a Savior who's plans are better than mine. I don't understand why I don't get to take my little boy with me, I don't understand why He made Bobby the way he did, I don't understand why He took him when he did, but I know He's good. I wish our dreams were becoming a reality when I wanted them to be, but no matter what my dreams may be Gods plans are always better. It sucks. It hurts. It's hard to reconcile it all in my mind and there's pain that won't go away, but somehow it's gonna all work out. I can't wait to see that unfold, I can't wait to tell that story of God's faithfulness on the other side, I can't wait to hold Bobby again. 

For now, I hold fast to the promises God has made in his word even if they don't always make sense to me every day. I know he hears our prayers and I know He knows the desires of this Mama's broken heart. I believe, with confidence, He will make a way for us to go. To have that time at Disney as a family to remember and celebrate our little boys life. When we do go, I know I will have that experience as a Mom to 3 beautiful children even if Bobby only comes with me in my heart.